As salaam alaykum sisters.
It's a rough morning on my end. Once again, I stopped praying. It's been too long to even remember when the last time I got on my knees was. I have not forgotten Allah. . . I think about Him all the time, but my heart feels as though it's getting harder. Not towards Him, but towards myself and never feeling like a good Muslim. Islam is such a struggle for me and I completely fail at it all the time. I have no social support. . .not even the ones you would think are meant to be a means of religious support. I feel as though I've been thrown in this world of neglect (of Allah) and have no way of escaping. . .nor do I want to escape at times.
Confession: There are times I would love to be able to go out and have a drink. Not get drunk, but just taste the goodness of a mudslide. I would love to be able to put on a bathing suit and have fun in the beautiful waters where I live without feeling guilty. I would love to be able to appreciate the beauty of man without feeling like my eyes will be speaking against me on the day of judgement (when I say beauty of man, I mean strictly in an artful manner. . .I'm a huge fan of classic nude based photography. . .nothing gross and pornographic).
It's all too much for me. All I see is everyone around me doing these things with no shame and I just think to myself 'why can't I do that too without fearing hell?'
Really, I LOVE Allah. I LONG FOR paradise when this life is over. I don't even want to lay eyes on hell EVER. This is all too hard for me. And I've had some pretty sucky thoughts lately that I won't even share with anyone. I feel like I'm losing this battle of good vs. evil.
elisa, im going to write you at fb
ReplyDeleteDear sister,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this honest post <3 I totally understand how you feel my dear and I have also been going through times like that. Lately, if I feel like doing something, which is not right according to Islam, I really try to listen to my heart - to hear if my inner self really wants that too or if it is just my ego and my desires speaking. And until now it has been the latter. But sdon't uppress your desires!
That will just make you depressed or bitter. They will ALWAYS return in one way or the other. That's how it is to be in this Dunya! You need to listen to them and understand why you are feeling the way you are and work with them in a positive way. Everything that we feel like doing, good or "bad", creates a lot of energy and I believe that this energy can be used in a constructive way. Just imagine doing dhikr with this energy. Doing dhikr with the purpose of using this powerful energy that you have created inside and thereby getting closer to Allah (swt).
I am of the opinion that if you fail to follow Islam at some point and you afterwards regret it and ask Allah (swt) for forgiveness, then that's what you needed to do... It might not be good, but it might be the only way for you to understand if it is good for you or not <3 And Allah knows everything you do, have done and will ever do...
Allah (swt) KNOWS how difficult it is to be human and how much we struggle. He knows what's in your heart, sister.
I'd recommend you try to do salat or read Qur'an or make dhikr just as much as you feel like...it is better to do a little than to do nothing, I'd say. From my own experience: I have felt my heart becoming harder because of periods with no salah and real dhikr. That is what happens! So for the health of your heart, do whatever little action you can to remember and praise Allah (swt) <3 and insha'Allah you will feel your heart becoming happier again.
And don't be too hard on you either. Allah (swt) loves you and wants you to be happy in this life and to love Him too (like you do).
That's all I had to say. I hope you understand this in the way I meant it to be understood :) <3
Lots of hugs from a sister.
I have periods like this too sometimes. What I tend to do then, is to leave everyone's expectations behind, and just focus on my relationship with God. Bit by bit I try to regain my focus. I pray at night, when I lay in my bed, and I ask God for help. It's not about what others say, it's about you and God. You can start by praying once a day for example, and slowly start building up again. Everyone has ups and downs in imaan. Everyone falls and gets back up, sometimes with a different outlook on things. Islam is not something statical, you have to internalise it, and make it yours ;-)
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Chloe and I were talking about our struggles with Islam just a few nights ago and we raised the exact same things you wrote about here.
ReplyDeleteSubhanaAllah, it just goes to show you're not alone, Elisa. And we're not alone =)
I read somewhere that even the fact that you feel fear towards Allah swt means you have iman inside you and it's not something you should take for granted.
I've got an assignment due in a few hours so I can't write more right now but inshaAllah will drop you an e-mail soon. And feel free to write to me okay? =)
Im going to send you a message on FB as well, hun.
ReplyDeleteElisa, thank you for your honesty. I think we all had & have tough and dark times and from my experience I spent years away from God, because I could not find what I was looking for, I could not find peace within me, I tried to match standards too often.
ReplyDeleteGod knows what is in your heart, he knows you are struggling and trying. God made us humans and not perfect. You have to listen to your heart, to what makes sense to you. What others are expecting from you does not matter as your relationship with God is unique and is between you and him only.
Maybe you can try to slowly restart to pray, once a day and take a time afterwards to see what it gives you, how you feel after it - Very recently I started to pray every morning and read the Bible and the Qur'an, it has changed the way I am and I see Life. I feel full of energy, grounded, my heart is satisfied and I am ready to go out and spread the Love.
Really it took me years to be at this place so I understand you very well.
Look after yourself and don't feel bad about this. It's normal to lose track some times. The most important is you are honest with yourself and with others, you are not afraid to ask for help and you know you Love God. Ask him to help you, to support each effort, to fill your heart with peace.
Keeping you into my prayers.