Astagfirullah, I've been feeling so down lately. So much guilt built up inside of me. Dreams slipping through my fingers. Never spending enough time on ME & when I do, I only feel guilty. My thoughts are almost suffocating. I just want to go to bed at night and not care what the world thinks! I just want to be at peace with myself once and for all.
I want to be able to stand up to people and say "NO! This is not what I want!"
And, to be completely honest, I feel terrible I can't give my husband the wonderful Eid he's so used to having growing up in his home country. I don't even have that exciting feeling for Eid that I've had for Christmas my whole life. Life's demands have not been very accommodating to "grown-up" life like I was hoping it would be. Do I sound like a horrible person? Do I sound ungrateful? Astagfirullah! I am most grateful. Really, I am. I just have my moments and wish I could make some big life changes. I need all the prayers I can get.
Happy Eid to all and to all a good night! Hehe OK, that put a little smile on my face :-)
I know what you mean about the "feeling" and such. I don't feel Eid like I feel Christmas...and it makes it worse since I have an almost two year old son. I bought him a few gifts and my husband a few new shirts to try to make things a little more festive. And while our son loved his gifts, it was nothing "huge" and won't even compare to the hoopla of Christmas with my family. I doubt I'll buy my son anything for Christmas, but my Christian family will still shower him with gifts.
ReplyDeleteThere was just no festive feeling today. Even opening gifts just seemed kind of awkward because I don't feel like it's a holiday. We did go to my SIL's house for lunch together and I thought maybe we'd make a whole afternoon of it like my family does for Christmas...but no. We ate, we got tired, we left. We were probably only there for two hours.
Sorry, I took over your blog ranting about my own problems.
I wish Eid was a bigger deal here. I too feel bad for my husband who is used to a lot of festivities.
Aww >:
ReplyDeleteEid for me did feel like Christmas ... but I was surrounded by amazing new friends ...
I guess you just need to surround yourself with lots of Muslims and JUST MAKE it Eid! We made it a holiday, we went out, made plans, got up early, stayed up late. I was excited to felt it like Christmas ... but it could be that I never really enjoyed Christmas and my last Christmas was terrible. I was never Christian either. Never understood Christmas. Inshallah next year! I guess it just takes more effort to make Eid feel like Eid! Hopefully next Eid in November can be more successful~ Will pray for this sweetie! <3
salam sister and alhamdulillah that i found your blog....well you found me lol.
ReplyDeletefirst, it takes a while for people to learn to stand up and say no this is not what i want and some people never do make it to this point. the thing is, you have to learn to speak up before it reaches a boiling point where you can simply express your views calmly..if you hold it in until you you just HAVE to say it or youll burst then it all goes to pot....my friend, ill keep you in my dua's for this very reason inshallah!
i speak from experience on that lol.
part 2! eid for us is a learned holiday. we go from a lifelong history or christmas, christmas eve, joyful celebrations, lots of family to suddenly very little celebration, maybe only your spouse and children.
also, we live in a country where eid is not announced on every street corner, there are not twinkling lights saying HEYYY ITS EIDDDD! the muslim majority countries have that just like we have christmas. commercials, decorations for sale, big toy sales, clothes for christmas, layaway for christmas..christmas christmas christmas!
we dont have the hoopla around us to even remind us of the festive nature.
our friends and family (unless we are fortunate enough to have lots of muslim in laws around us or huge groups of muslim friends) dont even know what eid is!!
SOOOO with that being said, it becomes the "learned holiday". it has taken me several years to build it up in my own home. it was so hard. it was just a normal dry day for me in the beginning. but i had to make it special for my husband and daughter so i had to force myself to start building traditions.
each year it has gotten better and better. i have had to start applying the traditions and decorations to Eid instead of christmas.
its a very hard transition. you have some reverts who say its easy, but honestly i think they are the minority.
so dont stress..it will get better. next year start to plan ahead of time and ask yourself "what is it i do for christmas that can be safely applied to eid?" gifts, special meals, decorations, lively nasheeds, days off from work etc etc.
oh my goodness, ive talked alot. looool forgive me. inshallah this helped even a bit
salam sister! alhamdulilah, by mistake i got in this side. suddenly i have a feeling like being with good friends, warm and cosy. and i miss that for so long time. i just will take the chance that Allah gave me and contact with you. is that alright?
ReplyDeletewhen i read your blog, i feel, i write this myself! i always smiling and trying to be nice. but in fact sometimes want to cry and shout nononononono!!!!!! i don't dare. why is that so?
my Eid, i spent in maroc, but i felt so horrible this day. beacause i stay far away from my loved-ones. and i was sick. i was so careful what eating and drinking, but somehow it happened and i must vomiting on and on. so i was in my bed, alone, everybody went out.
perhapd i must explain, i stay here in maroc at my family-in-law. what origin do i have? good question, but difficult to answer. the last long period, i lived in finland, before in portugal. my parents are divorced. my husband is marocan from origin.
grateful i found soulmates in you sisters!!